Robin Tai

2011-08-22T01:15:00.005+08:00

I have been thinking alot lately, with not much outlet to express myself in a way that I'd thought liberating. So I thought of blogger. Voila, and now I am inputing alphabets on my keyboard that would eventually appear on a webpage, all the while hoping that this would allow me to get some weight off my chest. Talk about how technology has shaped our lives. Sheesh.

So here I am, getting into my university of choice, SMU. Funny thing is, I dont feel fucking happy. Sure, I am happy, just not FUCKING happy, if you know what I mean. First week of school was dreary. Those nagging doubt of insecurities about myself never ceases to disappear. Funny how at this age I am still so bothered by it. Turning an adult soon too. Tch.

Thought about and STILL is thinking about what to do with my life in the future. Sure, finance is the way to go. Its all the trend and its one that earns you a fuckload of cash. I want cash, who doesnt? But what if you suck with numbers? What if I have to work like a dog? What if I dont even like the goddamn job? Do you still major in or do finance?

No mistakes here though, I do have the drive to succeed. Its not a fucking leisurely drive in the countryside type of drive, but the kind associated with the ferocity akin to that of a lion. Yeh lion doesnt sound too cheesy I hope. Or just interchange that word with an F1 car. Wait, even cheesier? I dont know, whatever. But recently I feel this drive waning in the face of my greatest nemesis. Dwindling self-confidence. Thats right.

Can I live up to my parents' expectations of myself? Investing so much time, money and most importantly, hope in me. Selfless love for their children. I really respect and admire my parents in this aspect. Do I have that capacity to love my child the same way? Guess I will know when I look at my newborn. Presently, heck no. But who knows what the future holds?

So after this post, I realised, it's time for a change. Its one of those eureka moments you know? Granted, just an infinitely more mild version of the intended impact of that phrase. At least I know wherever you start doesnt matter, what matters is in the end. Can I look myself in the mirror and say, "I did it, my way"?

Thanks, blogger, and good night.

2011-04-04T01:07:00.002+08:00

WOOP. Sorry just had to do that. Maybe by penning my thoughts out on my blog, I might start to feel a little more clear headed about what I want for a change.

Okay so my "passport" to enter into a local university is more or less obtained. What's that left now is which university I should opt for. SMU vs NUS?

Believe me, it's harder than it sounds. I asked myself a thousand times about what I want but I still can't seem to figure it out.

Pros VS cons do not outweigh each other significantly enough for me to make a fast and hard decision. That's pretty much the best part of my new found dilemma.

End. Lesson obtained. I pretty much haven't made up my mind. Fuck.

2011-02-21T14:57:00.001+08:00

Nothing like an intense workout to sweat it out. Off to the gym!

2010-12-20T22:56:00.004+08:00

Back at where I started out/ ended off. Makes no difference. Just like a treadmill, you are moving, but not actually covering any real distances.

2010-12-16T13:33:00.001+08:00

Conditional love VS Unconditional love

2010-12-14T21:16:00.002+08:00

What more is required? Let me do this, at my own pace. Much appreciated.

Maafkan saya.

2010-12-13T15:53:00.002+08:00

Everything fades, eventually. Memories especially. I don't believe in otherwise. Just a random thought.

Yes, gonna go for a haircut now. Looks like a mushroom.

2010-12-04T12:12:00.005+08:00

Never once felt shittier about myself. I truly hate every moment of it. The amount of self reproach I am going through is un-fucking-believable.

Finally escaping to my quiet town in Malaysia where nothing exciting ever happens, where my social life is close to NIL, where everything is so peaceful. Could be good for my soul. After tirelessly working so fucking hard for A levels, this has been what I have been looking forward to.

I am sorry. I hope you are doing fine. That's all I ask for.

2010-11-27T11:59:00.003+08:00

Anyone can stake a claim about what sacrifices they have made and tell it in your face. Easily. But it's fucking difficult, making sacrifices, and actually TRYING not letting another know about it. Why? Maybe despite everything, something still lingers. And again, why? Well, that's the million dollar question.

2010-11-25T22:16:00.005+08:00

I learned quite abit about myself today. Maybe it's time to stop looking and reminiscing but start feeling.

2010-11-23T00:33:00.002+08:00

I wish there is some sort of divine marker to tell me what to do. I hate this feeling. It's sickening and awful. The feeling of hurting the ones you love.

2010-11-07T00:41:00.003+08:00

2010-11-04T22:28:00.004+08:00

I never really knew what constituted being sweet or what it really meant for that matters, or rather should I say felt it. Played the part, but never did felt it, DISTINCTLY. Until today. A mere thank you cannot express my feelings. Chapatashimama.

2010-11-03T21:06:00.006+08:00

The human mind is easily lulled into a state of disturbance. Guilty as charged. True, as time goes by, the human heart changes. I will unwaveringly hold onto that fact. Emotions are so.. Fluid..

Still tugs at my heartstrings.

And I swear, http://kidsgivemehope.blogher.com/ the music in the background playing while reading these cute little stories made me feel even more emotional.

2010-10-31T11:16:00.004+08:00

The tendency to shoot one's mouth off is really quite a turn-off and at times hurting especially when it comes from someone whom means something to you. I wish people would stop saying what they don't really mean. Many factors affect the take-up rate of a certain proposition. This is one of them. One's capacity to forgive is limited anyway. I know when I've gone beyond the boundary. It's also impossible to put down a clamp on emotions or a time limit on it. If it is, then are we just playing a numbers' game? If so, then my world view of the feeling love was so grossly lopsided and naive. Just my two cents worth.

So anyway. Lethargic is the word of the day.

2010-10-25T22:48:00.002+08:00

I gotta say, waking up and going to school at 8 am in the morning then studying all the way till 9 (of course you put in an hour or two of nothing time) is gonna take it's toll on my body and my mental health. I feel drained already, after only one day. I can't imagine this going on for the next 1 month! WTF!

Fuck A levels, why why why why why why this dreadful emphasis on academic achievements. No matter, I am gonna make you my 2nd lover, my A levels.

2010-10-23T01:12:00.009+08:00

It's one of those days again.

Warning: Long insignificant rant ahead and obviously lopsided angsty entry.

Drove to school today and got scolded by the fucking Turbanator. Fucking beard is so fucking intimidating. Heard psychology was what you majored in, the beard sure did come in handy, aside from giving students a good time by guessing whether you are smiling or frowning. Wonder if they had a module titled "How To Make Full Use Öf Your Beard For Dummies." Didn't even had a chance to react to his outburst. "Nod, nod, ok, ok, I'll do that." Just because of the decal. There're more lots than ever in the carpark and I had to be asked to remove the vehicle. AND it's only for 3 hours, maybe even less. Prick. Hope you're getting some so that your unjustified outbursts can tone down a notch. I just can't understand whats the big deal, yeah yeah security concerns. My yellow Malaysian beetle-like car wants to crash into the Principal's office and kill him so that my evil Malaysian counterpart can take over his post. It's all a conspiracy, you stupid fucking idiot with too much time on your hands.

Dude you fucking kidding me? TOWING MY CAR AWAY? And your psychology lessons hadn't come in handy either. The 3rd note paints you out to be a hypocritical douchebag. Well at least, you're exercising your basic manners, albeit in a wrong way. BUT kudos for the effort.

I know its pretty childish making these derogatory remarks but I sure as hell feel better.

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Sometimes, being courteous is all it takes to make someone's day. Helpful and polite people makes me smile and happy for the fact that despite the oddballs who lack even basic fundamental social skills such as saying "Thank you", the collective human spirit trumphs these apathetic I-don't-give-a-fuck attitudes and being polite is not becoming a rarity (yet). Want an example? People expect for the lift door to be held open for them, and actually it's not really an expectation, it's more of like being courteous. I do it all the time. What's most irksome is the fact that these people walk in the lift like you've got "Lift Operator" printed on your forehead. Fuck. You so make me want to clamp your fucking heads in between the lift doors. Those that do acknowledge your presence at least makes you feel appreciated.

Plus one thing I really can't tolerate would be those with fucking bad attitudes working in the service sector. F&B especially. The appetite goes south. To put it simply, they are sort of the ambassadors of Singapore ESPECIALLY in the city area and GOD, some of them are just so fucking rude. Makes me feel like fucking punching them in their smelly faces that they're showing to the whole world. It doesn't matter if it's a minority, 1 bad experience is all it takes for the word to spread. And I think I do not need to emphasize the fact that bad things spread like wildfire because it's human tendency to indulge or take immense interest in negativity.

Negativity ASIDE.

Graduation Tea was over in a blink of an eye. It was nice seeing everyone dressed up and getting ready to embark on one of the most perilous journey of all times, the A LEVELS! Ok I know I am probably exaggerating but it's really a make it or break it thing.

Ok, that's all I've got tonight folks. Good night :]

2010-10-18T21:53:00.001+08:00

My 12 year old brother has an even more interesting social life than I am having right now and some of his schoolmates are crying over lost love. What is the world coming to?

I can't imagine how it'd be like when it comes to my children's generation. The insanity will be mutiplied manifold.

2010-10-16T21:29:00.002+08:00

The exam stress is kicking in. I feel worried, but wanting to study is another thing. Goodness. What's happening?

And yes I finally altered my blazer and pants for Graduation Night, or rather Day. Everyone wants to "go simple", but hey! It's already like the last time we're gonna attend a school event right?! So when is there gonna be a chance again? University? Nong nong nong way to go. So I don't care, I am gonna wear it anyway. Plus it's at Raffles Country Club. P-O-S-H yo.

Oh btw the tailor that was recommended to me at Far East Plaza is good, and a very nice person too.

PUNTAT has become my favourite phrase of late.

2010-10-15T00:16:00.003+08:00

For a lack of a better word: Disgust.

The feeling accumulates in the chest, when there is no outlet, it slowly travels downwards, which has no outlet either. It halts. Shivers. Deep breath. Gone. Repeats.

Fucked up.

I wish I could be nonchalant about this, but the fact is, I am not.

2010-10-08T23:11:00.002+08:00

These waves, they come relentlessly. Something stirred.

Ok apparently my plan to lay off the computer for a month isn't working out well.

2010-10-06T23:47:00.002+08:00

I suppose, I can finally breathe a sigh of relief for now. It feels like everything's finally moving along just fine :]

Soooooo FUCK 36 MORE DAYS TO A LEVELS. I AM GONNA LAY OFF THE INTERNET FOR A MONTH! I AM GONNA TRY ANYWAY!

2010-10-05T00:14:00.001+08:00

I wish...

2010-10-03T18:37:00.001+08:00

I have a confession, I tried harmonizing to a song and I laughed at myself when I found out how horrendous it sounded. HAAHAHAHHAHA!

2010-10-03T12:43:00.002+08:00

Decided to remove the chatbox cause it's pointless. Can you believe it, at one point of time Mila Jovovich visited my tagboard. HAHAHA. Anyway I just need a space to rant, nothing more.

Ahh so here I am stuck alone at home in Singapore, doing my work. Voluntary deprivation and captivity. I can't study if I go back to Malaysia. Distractions everywhere.

Grad night's coming up in 3 weeks' time, looking forward to it. But at the same time, it also means that the big A's are looming around, nearer than ever. Fuck. I feel guilty for blogging now. Ok bye.

2010-09-26T12:32:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was one of those days again that made me think hard about what I really wanted. I can honestly say it didn't feel nice. Thats enough for now Robin, stop with the thinking.

I am gonna go have my lunch now. Good day to all.

When someone lets you kiss their eyes, it means that the person has a really high degree of trust embedded in you-

2010-09-25T00:21:00.004+08:00

I just watched Legend of The Fist: Chen Zhen today. Fuck. Two words: Brutal, Awesome. I think shows by Donnie Yen are the sex man. Got my heart rate and adrenaline up. I think it's even better than the Ip Man series. The style is more fast-paced.

I swear that guy is damn fit, he's nearing 50 and he can still pull off so many stunts. And his body, MAN! IDOL! I feel more motivated to do cardio now after looking at his body. Puts mine to shame.

I am officially gonna pick up a contact sport after my A's. Too much pent up male aggression in me.

Anddd I enjoyed my day alot thanks to you :]

2010-09-24T02:15:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, I suppose a stone cold exterior is what you really need.

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Contented VS Contention. The last little minor bit of the word can change everything. Same thing with life.

Serendipity. I am glad.

Note to self: Never walk Figo after doing pull-ups. The damn mutt has grown into a mini bulldozer. My palms felt like they were about to go numb.

2010-09-19T23:54:00.002+08:00

I am hooked on to Adam Young. I have a feeling this show's gonna be nice, and I think the owls look rather endearing.

2010-09-18T01:49:00.000+08:00

This song has a soothing effect on me.

2010-09-15T00:29:00.003+08:00

Why leave it to the last moment? Is there even gonna be a last moment in this case? Well life has a funny way of playing tricks, or maybe in this case myself.

Often, that silver lining can only be seen when the gates are about to close up. But is this really THE silver lining or is it just a mirage? Haha I am being stupid. I swear at the end of all this, I will laugh, hit and slap myself.

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Or maybe not.

2010-09-14T00:26:00.002+08:00

I dreamt of dead people and something about loved ones abandoning me. Is that bad? Yes I think it is.

Ahh I studied for the wrong paper yesterday. Stayed up late to study for nothing. I hope this doesn't impact badly on my results. I shall no longer push the blame to you lah BFF, cause I know you were just trying to be nice and helpful. But still, a compensation would be nice. Hint hint: A nice meal would be nice.

2010-09-12T03:16:00.003+08:00

Oh rain oh rain, wash away my doubts will you?

I finally understand some little bits and pieces of the puzzle that I never got to complete, and I'm not sure if that's such a good thing right now.

2010-09-09T00:49:00.002+08:00

Study study study. Not? Fuckk. Final lap yo! And having a car is great. But the fuel consumption is fucking ridiculous.

2010-09-08T12:48:00.002+08:00

Of late, my chatbox has become much of a trash box -_-

2010-09-08T12:46:00.000+08:00

Serendipity - The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident.

2010-09-02T19:28:00.002+08:00

My heart is palpitating at a very rapid rate. Or at least it feels that way. Is this like a sense of foreboding? I hope it's just the exam stress.

GP paper's tmr. Good luck to me. I'll need it.

2010-09-01T21:12:00.002+08:00

Studying sessions are becoming less and less productive. My attention span and concentration seems to dwindle as the days go by. Fuck. Went to Woodlands library to study today. I swear library nowadays are the least quiestest of places of study at. Can hardly concentrate at all.

Reeeaaaally looking forward to next week though, I can get the YELLOW BEETLE all to myself for a week!

2010-08-28T15:43:00.002+08:00

There's more than meets the eye. That's all I can say.

Past few days was a blur. Study, sleep, study, sleep, more study, less sleep. Was initially looking forward to the Teacher's Day performance rehearsals, but turns out that the teachers in charge are screwed. My band and I are expected to stay back on Monday from 6pm to 10pm for rehearsal. Fucking ridiculous or what? And with A levels looming around the corner. Inefficient as fuck. I bet my dimes that my band will get to play for less than 20 minutes after 3 to 4 hours of waiting time.

Woke up at 1. Went gym in the afternoon with Elson. Tortured him with my routine. Hehehe. Cycled to a nearby coffee shop to eat lunch. And it's already close to 4 now. Goodness. No time to study at all. Okay gonna go back to M'sia soon.

Cheers.

2010-08-21T17:14:00.001+08:00

Justin Silas says:
*you dont call me poser
*you now act photographer act go gym ah
Robin says:
*come do some ritual for me la
Justin Silas says:
*malaysians only either drive motorbike or sell food or rob people
Robin says:
*hahahahahah
Justin Silas says:
*cannot do those things that you do
Robin says:
*FUCKER SIA
*KNN
Justin Silas says:
*HAHAHAHAH

What an awesome friend I have.

2010-08-19T21:13:00.004+08:00

Going. Haywire. Soon.

Hope what they say about everything happens for a reason is true.

2010-08-15T12:28:00.003+08:00

Just woke up. Woo it's been so long since I slept for more than 9 hours. Heavenly. The past week has been a very happy time indeed. Let me see what happened for the past few days..

Alright on Friday the lovely snail and I went to Jalan Besar Stadium and caught the Boys Preliminary round for Soccer. Went one hour late. Was waiting for Ros's boyfriend so we decided to eat first. But turned out that the boyfriend waited for us -_- Ok so the highlight of the game was Singapore VS Zimbabwe. We made a bet, I betted on Singapore. Singapore won! 3-1 woo! That also means I have a free pass from you ;D The first goal was scored around the 20th second. Gotta admit, pretty impressive. The atmosphere was aweesome. Beats watching live shows at McDonalds hands down. Seriously. Alas, we had to leave during the 10th minute. We were supposed to catch Inception at Bugis.

Missed 15 minutes of the show, shit. I think the movie is quite nice though, mind-boggling. Nais. And it felt like I was doing Inception after the movie, lazy to elaborate. Fun nonetheless.

And I'm glad everything ended well, albeit with a wee bit of drama. Hope you find a nice nice guy and well, be happy :]

OH AND MY DAD KNOWS HOW TO SING DUTTY LOVE BY SEAN KINGSTON HAHAHAH!

2010-08-10T01:46:00.000+08:00

Today's a good day.

2010-08-08T23:29:00.005+08:00

Woo just got home. Awesome weekend. Hehehehehe. Went to Universal Studios yesterday. 4 rides were down though, and they were the fun ones. Fuck. But anyway, I had fun :D Pictures will be uploaded by the end of this week I suppose :D The US here is similar to the one in Aussie. Or was it Japan? Worth going I would say.

Stayed at the Intercontinental Hotel with my family. Psychoed my Pops to let me have the car. IT WAS EXHILIRATING. The best part is that the new car has a built-in GPS system so I practically didn't get lost at all. Ok, maybe I did. From a 5km trip, it turned to an 8km trip. BUT it's not my fault, it's the traffic's fault. I couldn't make the turnings indicated by the GPS system. There're just too many cars in Singapore ]:

So I went to pick up Jiaxin and then Desmond. Initially wanted to have supper at Bukit Timah. Alas, the stupid place was closed. Then we had to go all the way to Boon Lay. Settled for Power Nasi Lemak instead. As usual, there was a long queue. By the time we reached there it was already 11.45 I left the hotel at 10. HAHAHA. Partly caused by the nondescript turnings & junctions that blended too well into the background, note that it's not my fault.

Sent the both of them home, then back to the hotel without further wrong turns. Thank God.

Went to catch Salt with my family at VivoCity earlier today. It was fine I suppose. Not really fantastic, but okay. 3/5. Then went for Vovage de La Vie at Resorts World Sentosa with Jasen and gang and my family. It was a really nice show. I think everyone enjoyed it.

End of the day. Awesome weekend.

Oh yeah, just opened the present that Desmond and Teressa gave to me. Damn it, looks so big and expensive, but according to Teressa it's not that pricey. But anyway thanks buddies, I'll definitely use it :D

2010-08-03T22:30:00.003+08:00

Tell me this is not fucking happening. My life is unfolding like a fucking drama and I'm sure it can qualify as a plot for a fucking movie. Just when I thought the worst was over. God, if anything happens to you, I'll never fucking forgive myself. Just please don't do anything more foolish and rash that will fuck me upside down.

And you, thanks for being so understanding. I think even I can't do that. I really appreciate it.

Everything's a mess.

2010-08-02T23:14:00.001+08:00

SO MUCH WORK! SO LITTLE TIME! I GOT SHITTY TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS!

2010-07-31T12:14:00.005+08:00

So yesterday was both a good and a bad day. Hope nothing's changed.

On a lighter note, the weather and music was perfect, so was the company. Hope you liked the song!

Going back to Malaysia now, for the first time in 2 weeks. Seems like a longggg time.

2010-07-30T15:45:00.000+08:00

I apologize in advance.

2010-07-30T12:20:00.002+08:00

Woo just woke up. Feel like a sloth. Off-days ftw. Fuck I wanna hit the gym but the weather is.. Damn it. So nice to just slack and chill while fiddling with my brother's guitar. Fine I shall make up my mind later.

2010-07-26T18:14:00.002+08:00

We humans are selfish creatures. There's no denying it. We're just wired this way. Sometimes, we delight in other's adverstities and sometimes, we get jealous of others' happiness. So why bother to even get jealous or pointlessly happy over others' plight or blessings? We're after all living in this crazy world for ourselves. Although some may beg to differ, we may live for our loved ones; and that includes family and friends. I cannot refute that point because I myself think that it's very true, but I think at the end of the day, it's about what we want and not what others want, true?

So I've finally gotten another epiphany recently. Why go cowering into a corner and wallow in self-pity when there are plentiful opportunities out there, just waiting to be seized? When these opportunities are gone, they're gone with the wind. Then it'll be like searching for a needle in a haystack. What good will hiding and running bring? Nobody's gonna come pick you up. Ok, friends and family do that. But whether we want to continue taking flight ultimately falls on our own hands right?

Maybe what others think in this world of ours matters so much because we're so interdependent on and connected with each other. I'm not saying it's a bad thing that we have this bond with each other, but then how do we go about living up to those expectations that people expect us to meet and at the same time live freely as to how we wish to live? Tough question. Even tougher solution(s).

My doubts are clearing. I said clearing because I don't want to lie to myself and say that there's totally nothing. I am happy with the way things are right now and I suppose I got to understand myself better as a person. Learning to understand others isn't always the lesson that one has to take away from an event.

Met Jasen earlier on. He gave me 2 packets of durians. Goodness. Awesome shit. And also gave me stuff to think about. Well I guess it helped. Thanks again.

2010-07-25T22:42:00.002+08:00

Yesterday night's food was not bad. Thanks bro for the ride to Holland V :D I downed the pork and the xiao long bao like nobody's business. Fucking nice I swear. It's a subsidiary of Crystal Jade along Holland V. Took quite a few pictures, look like shit. Fuck. Bad lighting lah huh. Had fun although I had to wake up at freaking 8.30 this morning for tuition after sleeping at 3am. What a damn turn-off. But I still went 1 hour late anyway. Woo.

Bugged Aizad to send me to Bishan after tuition to meet the snail. Went to study at Suntec. Caught the movie The Sorcerer's Apprentice, I'd rate it 3/5 thoughhh. Not exactly very very nice, but not too bad either. Had fun writing my testimonial together. Almost forgotten how it feels like to just be stupid and have fun. So overall I'd say, one of the best weekends in ages.

2010-07-24T17:53:00.002+08:00

Alright today's supposedly studying session wasn't fruitful at all. Ending up messing with my bro's guitar. Came up with another new tune, but lyrics don't come. Funny thing cause I've so many pent up emotions inside. Hmm. My dear snail has kindly volunteered to help me with it.

Okay go I've to wait till roughly 9 before I can leave house to go to Holland V. with Danny and guys. Don't know what to do. Shit. I slept till 2pm today. I feel like a pig. Sloth would be more apt I suppose.

Maybe I'll go meet Jasen for a light dinner before embarking on my mission to devour all the food at the buffet.

2010-07-24T00:57:00.004+08:00

Just got home not long agoooo. Okay got back my business paper. Fuck, rather disappointed with that stupid grade. But it's ok, I shall try harder. Went gym after school with the Vietnam boy, felt like puking halfway through. Bloody hell, it felt like a bout of stomach flu.

Went to Bukit Timah to have dinner with Des, KW, LH, JX. Josiah came over halfway thru dinner. Freaking president of some student council already. HAHA. We ended up talking about the past. It was hilarious. This one time, he farted in the cab, the driver chided him about his manners and wound down the window to clear the smell. Damn funny I swear.

Another time; Jo and I saw this kid who was being damn rude to his teacher while we were crossing the street. The kid was in primary school level, albeit a really rude and uncouth one. So being the upright person that I was, I went up to him and reprimanded him for his inappropriate behaviour. I seriously don't know why I did that either. But all I know was I felt like I did something good. 2 minutes later Jo and I looked back, we saw this whole gang of people. Guess what? The little fucker brought his troops and there were some 20+ years old adults. He was pointing at us!They started charging towards us, ok maybe not charging, but advancing rather quickly. HAHAHAH! WE ENDED UP RUNNING FOR OUR LIVES! All I remembered was feeling out-of-breath at Bishan MRT station and the adrenaline rush was just indescribable, not to mention the hyperventilation. Funny shit. So much for being the upright, noble citizen!

The spoiler of the day would be the public transport. It's impossible man. I take freaking 45 minutes to get from my place (Lakeside) to Jurong East Avenue 1 by bus. WTF people? I feel so fucking tempted to get my own bike, but that seems so far off. Cause my mom wouldn't allow it in a million years.

Okay, time to will myself to study tomorrow. Night peeps.

2010-07-22T23:42:00.001+08:00

Nice song. New favourite :D

2010-07-22T19:28:00.002+08:00

YES tuition was cancelled today. No Went to take my POA test after school cause I skipped lessons to take my student pass. They changed it to something like a green I/C. Rather nice I'd say. But my photo, fuck. Looks fucking retarded. The auntie in charged of photo taking asked me to look to the side and I ended up looking elsewhere in my photo. Cock-eye max.

The test was a drag. No willpower to even pen down my answers. In the end I had to resort to my ultimate persuasion skills to let Mrs Wan pass me the answer scheme halfway through the test so I could do it at home ;D

Went to the gym, made a new friend. WOO.

Ok I'm finally settling into a routine. Routines bore your brains out. I like that. Cause then you don't have to think of anything, you just do it. I could say it's gradually getting better. When I usually just recover from an illness, I'll feel weak all over, or would fragile be a better word? HAHA. Ok I feel like that now. I'm gonna be immune soon. Like chicken pox you know? You only get it once! Something like that, I hope.

2010-07-19T22:24:00.006+08:00

Have more time to spend with friends now. Suppose everything has a good and bad side to it. Like I read somewhere before, the sense of newfound freedom is always intoxicating and you'd just have to get used to it and well, adapt to it.

Anyway, had to give a presentation on my essay this afternoon, prior to that presentation I swear my heart was thumping so hard I could feel my chair beating in tandem with it. Goodness. But it wasn't so bad after I went up, the anxiety sort of wore off. And Mr Lee actually asked me to do another session tomorrow. Thank God I have lessons. Woo. So I don't have to do it :D And Xinya so nice worhzxs, cheered for me. SO SHY. HAHAHAHA.

So today was a fine, albeit tiring day. Gym session today was a bitch. Feel so weak all over after not exercising for a few days. Hurt like mad. But I suppose it'll be worth it. I bet tomorrow I'll get those much desired aches. So many things to do but so little focus. Damn. What's this? I hope I'm not the only one feeling this way.

I suddenly like penning down my thoughts and daily happenings. When I look back at my 2007-old posts, I laugh to myself at how I was back then. I hope in the future I'll be able to look back and reminisce with fondness :]

Ok I am obsessed with this song. It's so nice. I think Rob Thomas in this video resembles Gerard Butler in terms of mannerisms and looks.

So, nothing much. Good night, readers.

2010-07-18T21:39:00.004+08:00

Went to eat LIULIANS this afternoon. Woke up at 1 plus went to Woodlands to eat with the same bunch of nice people. Some ulu place. But the durians are freaking awesome, I swear. Came back, tired, dozed off. Then went over to eat Boon Lay Power Nasi Lemak with my Jasench. I feel damn happy after being able to eat the damn rice after like don't know how many months. As usual the queue was long, but worth the wait though.

Satisfying day, but SO MUCH FOR STUDYING!

I just realised something, they say love is fragile, love is unenduring. That's bullshit. Maybe all of us aren't on the same page as to what love means. True love is never like that and is something I guess not all of us have the luxury of having. What is true love anyway? Haha ok I know I sound all philosophical or even nonsensical, but I was walking back to my place along the canal earlier on. The weather was cool after the rain and I decided to take a slow stroll back. Got me thinking on alot of things.

Oh yeah, I got a $0.30 discount on my nasi lemak yo!
Nasi Lemak Uncle: Eh boy your body so nice I give you discount lah.
Me: Thinking *HAHAHAHAHHAHA* Wah serious ah? Thanks. SMILE. *SHY FACE*

Thanks for the not-so-boring weekend bro.

2010-07-18T13:38:00.004+08:00

Shit man, reached home at 3+ and slept at 4. So tired. And I've yet to revise my work. Darn it. Going out later with Jasen and gang again to eat durians. Studying seems so boring in contrast, how do I concentrate at this rate?!

Went to watch Despicable Me yesterday with the same gang. Really quite a nice show. Very very cute and funny. Dinner at Geylang, went for a Fish Spa afterwards. Goodness, it's the most fascinating experience ever. We, or rather, A FEW of us kept on screaming. It feels like my feet is being tickled by some, I don't know sucky things. Cause that's what the fishes do, they suck. It just feels reaaaally weird. But it took me like 20 mins to settle down. Fuck.

Ok I think I'd better start revising now.

2010-07-17T16:00:00.002+08:00

Okay had my birthday celebration yesterday. A couple of people didn't turn up though, over ordered by quite a bit. But I gave it to my guardian anyway. I had a lot of fun. Celebrating your birthday with all the important people in your life is indeed a blessing. Thank you guys for making it a success :]

So anyway, had to attend a lecture so I was dismissed from school late, went to hitchhike Teressa's cab back to my place with all the drinks. 8 bottles yo, freaking heavy. Turns out only half a bottle was used up. The rest remained unopened because Jasen mixed the syrup and it was enough to feed everyone -_- Went back to my place, was just catching up and waiting for the rest while I received the shock of my life. Theresa actually called me and turned up at my place to give me my present. It consisted of her specialty cooked fried rice, cheeze tofu and bacon bratwurst all of which are my personal favourites. Really so sweet of her. I was really touched. What can I say, the experience was bittersweet in a way. But I was glad it happened anyway. Thanks Theresa :]

She left afterwards, proceeded with the BBQ. Luckily it didn't rained. Cause it was drizzling earlier on. Thank Heavens for that man. So the main cook of the day was Jasen, with a little help from Lihui and Elson I think. Took peektures. I look like shit cause of my hair and my outbreak of acne. HAHA. Anyway I don't have them, have to wait for Jerald to upload it. Long story cut short, everyone had fun I suppose :]

Clair was too shy to hitchhike, so I ended up waiting with her for her Dad. After she left, I went back home and my feet were aching like shit.

Went for drums this morning, waste of time actually. Travelled to Suntec for only 30 mins of lesson and then back to my place. Ok and I went to cut away the bird's nest at the back of my head. I think it doesn't look as weird now.

Alright I'm gonna study now and going out later. Ciao people.

2010-07-15T22:43:00.003+08:00

Okay, I read this magazine called Broader Perspectives, it's like a magazine that features and discusses about current issues and is supposed to help us in our General Paper. I think what they talk about is so darn true. It will take quite some time for me to share everything if I really want to, so I'll do it another day when I am free :D It's a reaaaally good magazine by the way. Have to subscribe to it though.

So, tomorrow have to go gym in school cause I've already skipped gym-ing for a few days. Shit. Then have to attend some I don't know, lecture by some dude regarding Economics. After that gonna meet Teressa to go get stuff then back to my place first. Alright. Great stuff. Gonna sleep soon. And thanks Jasen for preparing my BBQ stuff. I know it must be tiring, and I'm not going over to help cause then I'll definitely be late for school and end up serving detention. Really appreciate it.

Good night, world.

2010-07-15T19:20:00.006+08:00

Almost forgot what it's like to be tired after a long break. Fucking A levels. Life drainer. God. And I cut my hair yesterday, the asshole hair-dresser shaved my side by a wee bit too much, now I look like some guy with a perpetual bad hair day. To add on oil to fire, stupid home tutor cannot stop asking me to cut my hair when there're so many others with fucking long hair. Pissed off.

Stumbled upon some upsetting stuff on the cyberspace. Always the culprit. I hate to say it and I don't wanna say it but I knew it. Never mind.. Suck it up. No longer my problem. Or so I hope. I'm psyching myself up for the worst that can happen, so that maybe when it does actually happen, I can take it and it won't come as a ONE HIT KO blow to me and my very soul.

Still've got 2 assignments to finish up later. I feel like dying man. Just got home after one whole long day of school. Dinner smells bad. Don't know wtf the maid cooks sometimes. Tastes like, I don't wanna say crap.

Only thing that can cheer me up right now is my barbeque tomorrow. Really looking forward to it.

2010-07-14T12:37:00.002+08:00

I could've went for first 3 lessons of GP today but I just decided to skip it just because I was feeling lousy about myself. I am such a douche, whats coming over me? 7 more fucking weeks. I can't let this affect me. I am going down to ICA headquarters later to extend my social pass later anyway so I'll miss half day of school. Xinya messaged me just now and something knocked some sense back into me. Stop stop. Bloody hell. I am going to study for the rest of the day to make up for lost time.

Going to eat lunch now, meeting Xinya at night to ask her transfer knowledge to me. Ok Robin, time to get your game back on.

2010-07-13T22:39:00.009+08:00

I am going to pray for your safety and health tonight. It's not in me to hate you. And you very well know that. I think I will be able to feel better after knowing that someone's watching over you. I've told you umpteen times that this isn't about me, but about you. Granted, some of the stuff I may have done may have been to serve my own selfish motives, but ultimately, it's all boils down to your well-being. You can't see it right now because you're so angry and all the things that I say fall on deaf ears. All you see and hear is me trying to destroy your life now. I don't mind being misunderstood if it means that I can protect you from all the harms outside. I am done hating, and clinging on. I am going to pray for you tonight, and every other night.

Lastly, let me drop the ultimate question on you. You haven't seem to have a reply to that yet. What if I did the exact same thing, would you have been able to take it well, be unaffected and say that there's perfectly nothing wrong with it?

Sigh, one single perspective just doesn't cut it in this world. I've learnt something. Now I hope you can too.

P.S. Shouldn't have lost my cool. Thus the reason for the edit.

2010-07-13T17:48:00.008+08:00

I just went to gym and I'm feeling freaking tired. Like not normal "tired" tired, but tired of life kind of tired.

Anyway my biological clock is so screwed up. I feel like sleeping in the afternoons and during nighttime, I just keep wide awake and fucking senseless thoughts keep running thru my mind. Luckily last night Maureen was there to talk sense into me. Thanks fats.

So many things I wanna blog out but never mind, I shall not. To uphold protection of privacy and stuff. Also because it's gonna be brutal. Saved as draft and deleted it instead. Smart suggestion by fats.

Ok I might be celebrating my birthday after all. Good news I suppose and I'm pretty hyped about it right now. BBQ! But that depends on whether I can book the pit on time. Guests aren't confirmed yet. Hopefully can get everything done by tomorrow.

*EDIT*

Going for dinner now. Ciao people.

2010-07-12T14:46:00.002+08:00

YES just received an SMS from Zahirah saying that I got a C for GP! HHAHAHAH TARGET ACHIEVED! And I feel better after a 2 hour slumber. Weather seems alright now. DOTA for one match, and off to the gym! WOOHOO!

2010-07-12T11:24:00.003+08:00

Today's a fucking sucky day. Woke up late by 15 mins and decided to skip the first lesson. So I resetted my alarm to ring at 9.45. Don't know why the fuck the alarm did not ring though. So I ended up waking up 1 hour later. Fuck it. Rushed like a mad dog. Went to the road with the intention of flagging a cab because the school gate closes from 11-1. If I reached there after 11, I would have to go thru the main gate and would be booked for being late, which in return would've caused me to stay back till 6pm for detention. So not only there wasn't a fucking cab sight, the bus that I normally take to school, 178 has a fucking 30-minute frequency. But today, 2 fucking 178s passed me by in less than 20 minutes. But I couldn't board the buses either cause they were on the other side of the road. Talk about fucking bad luck.

As if it wasn't enough, when I was walking to the front gate of the condo, some fucking dumb-ass maid was beating the fucking floor mat from the top floor. I don't know if she saw me but it would be stupid not to from that angle. So while I was walking, I felt some stupid fucking dust falling on me and when I looked up the maid was smiling. What the fuck. I didn't even bother doing anything cause I was rushing for time. To top it all off, I realised I forgot that there was PE today cause I was rushing, so I didn't pack my PE clothings. Which I know if I really happened to go for PE, I would've gotten screwed all over by the teachers.

So one thing remains, skip school. Fuck it. Dumb-ass, fucking, rotten luck. I feel as if I'd hit rock bottom. Knnccb. Why does it feel like everything's going wrong at this point of time. I don't even feel like celebrating my birthday next week. Fuck.

I wish there was something to pick me up from this fucked up situation or something. Fuck everything.

2010-07-12T00:29:00.001+08:00

Good guys always finish last. I can testify to that.

2010-07-12T00:04:00.002+08:00

This is one of the few times when I feel so confused. I just want to sleep everything away. Fuck it.

Having to wake up early tomorrow morning isn't exactly much of an issue to be happy about either. Plus some fucking screwed up student pass issue might get me "holidays" from school. Although I hate waking up early in the morning to go school, skipping school makes me even more stressed up. Sigh. Fucking complicated things. Fuck this.

Ok rewind a little bit. Went out yesterday for the soccer match and I wasn't disappointed. The atmosphere was quite high and it was infectious. Mac's gave some bloody plastic thingy for you to knock on, and people were hitting and banging on it. Some indians stripped after Germany won. New experience.

Anyway, DLV is the phrase of the day. Sucks.

2010-07-11T00:29:00.003+08:00

Drove out to eat dinner with Des and my bros earlier on cause my parents had to attend some health seminar thingy. After that we went to buy some DVDs. And guess what? I hit someone else's car. FUCK. Luckily the other party's car was only scratched and they said it's ok. But my car's bumper was dented. Maybe around a 10cm diameter dent? Bloody hell I wasn't looking at the back, I've learnt my lesson ]:

Going out later to watch soccer. Shall catch a few moments of shut-eye for now. I feel drained.

Things just don't seem the same without you.

2010-07-10T15:49:00.002+08:00

After accidentally looking at some stuffs, waves of nostalgia started washing over me. I don't want to be drowned in them, knowing that those are only memories and nothing more. Too much of reminiscing is bad because it screws you up. At the same time, I don't want to fight them either because to me, they're stuff worth remembering.

I miss the times when the skinny short boy and that not-so-skinny short girl spent the nights together under the void decks, at the Esplanade riverside, watching midnight movies at Vivo, and so many others I don't even know where to start. All these seemed like they happened a lifetime away. I still remember the promise that we made, the one that seemed so utopian and surreal, but being the young couple that were so crazily in love, we were determined to achieve it anyway. Look at us now.

I guess something happened along the way. One party took things for granted and the relationship was relegated to dull routines and fun times were undoubtedly there, but it just wasn't the same anymore. I swear I tried, and granted, maybe not enough and that was why you chose to give up. Maybe I am not that good a multi-tasker after all.

Sometimes, most of us if not all go on harping about how we know we made the right decisions in front of people and tell them we will never regret it. But sometimes, some days, when some things happen, we start to question the choice that we made. Then when it's all too late, SOME of us may start to realise that this isn't the choice that we wanted in the first place. But by then it's too late to do anything because.. Things would've have changed, everybody's moved on. Life goes on. Then we have no choice but to let the currents of life push us along. All that we can do about the regrets that we had/have is to force them away, bury them and hope they don't come back to haunt us.

2010-07-10T13:42:00.003+08:00

Woke up not long ago. The weather now isn't really good, not ideal for exercising. Which translates into boredom and unwanted thoughts, again. I just keep thinking and thinking about that matter non-stop. Why? I guess I really am a sucker for these kinda stuff. Maybe at the end of the day I am just selfish, I want the best of everything. But this is rarely possible, right? I guess I just have to learn how to live with it, or maybe I can continue fighting for it. Sigh, this foolhardy behaviour of mine has got to stop.

Anyway tonight I'll be watching the soccer match with Desmond in Malaysia. Gonna drive him out to some café or wherever that has a lot of people to watch. Wanna get the mooooood you know? The screams and the atmosphere. Don't know if I can get through the night though, I think I can, but barely. Haven't been staying up that late since that special period when I was waiting for my O'levels results along with.. So anyway, MI killed my social life. Or rather, A levels did. Better make that sacrifice worth it, if not I wouldn't be able to answer to my parents and most importantly, myself.

I do not want to look at this as being selfishly thinking about myself all the time. I want to think of it as - If you don't love yourself, how can you ever bring yourself to love others?

2010-07-09T01:25:00.000+08:00

I despise my inability to control my impulsiveness.

2010-07-08T22:38:00.003+08:00

Robin says:
*...
*the durian that jasen bought
*nice sia
*after putting it in fridge
Kai Ming シ says:
*ya
Robin says:
*eating now
Kai Ming シ says:
*damn zai
*$11 per kg
Robin says:
*that day eat okok only
Kai Ming シ says:
*he spent a lot sia
Robin says:
*now eat shiok
Kai Ming シ says:
*put in fridge alr take out
*damn zai
*the taste like change abit
*then cold cold
*orgasmic
*like u eat cum
Robin says:
*wtf
*u fucking sick

My friend's name is Desmond Teoh Khai Beng and he is currently studying in NYP.

2010-07-08T20:30:00.004+08:00

I wish I could find something to do now instead of rotting. Whenever there's nothing to do, my thoughts eventually drift back to those old memories; and the human brain has a penchant for amplifying the effects of those memories. Sigh. I need to do something. Or go out. Badly. I can't possibly exercise now. Since it's nightfall and I've just had my dinner.

There's literally nothing to do right now. Fuck. Lonely, sad and "empty", if that's the correct word to use. I am a companion freak. I mean, no surprises there since I've had an awesome one for as long I can remember. Ok, maybe not so bad, but it FEELS like it's that bad.

I feel like there's this empty void waiting to be filled up, and it just won't fill up fast enough because that person left such a big void behind. Getting it filled up and mended seems like such an impossible task now.

Humans have this innate sense of curiosity that they have to satisfy no matter what, even if it's gonna ruin their day(s). Unless that person has an incredible amount of self-discipline, which I admit I lack. I don't want to know, but I cant help it. I need to build up an iron will.

2010-07-08T16:02:00.003+08:00

Ok just got home from the gym with Aizad, Phi and Alif. No life right? After last paper and off we are to the gym. But hey, it's better than rotting at home. Freaking lazy weather now I swear. Last paper was a bitch. Hopelly I can get the grades that I want.

Yesterday went out to study with Xinya at NTU after working out in the morning. The damn campus is so big. I don't wanna go to that U, but of course that's not the only reason heh. It's like a whole freaking housing estate. Someone could get really lost.

Went for dinner after that and this is where I shall expose the glutton. Since Desmond told me that the coffee shop at Pioneer MRT has nice food, I wanted to go and try. So off we went to the place. The amount of food on the table was enough to scare me initially. Although it's really not that much, but still.. The number of plates.. I read Men's Health Magazine and they said that your eating behaviour is influenced by your eating partners. I think it's very true. After we ate she was still feeling really hungry like wtfff. GLUTTON MAX! Not surprisingly, she packed somemore to go home and eat.

Glutton: *Smiles to thin air.*
Me: Wtf? Why're you smiling to yourself?
Glutton: Oh, cos I very happy I get to eat so much food after one day of hard work.

@!#%$^$#Q$@ Retard. Never eat before is it!

So anyway, I feel like swimming now AND LAST PAPER'S FINALLY OVER. I CAN RELAX FOR THE WEEKEND!

2010-07-07T23:32:00.002+08:00

Reached home not long ago. Productive day! Shall expose the glutton tomorrow. No time to blog now. Studyyy. Last paper tomorrow. WOHOO!

2010-07-06T20:32:00.005+08:00

First step to being oblivious: Check.

So much fucking easier said than done, someone, rip the memories off the walls for me.

Change is good, change is unavoidable, but change, stings like a motherfucker.

**Edit**

The bathroom has become like a sacred sanctuary for me to reflect of late. I came to a sound conclusion. Sounder than any conclusion in any essay that I've ever written, and I'm glad. Yessah. Fuck, my eyebrow is twitching now. Wtf.

I am going to do what I want after this year. Like seriously. I am going to get a motorbike by 21 years old. A tattoo when I'm buffed enough. HEHE.

Gonna sleep early tonight, embark on my healthy lifestyle tomorrow morning.

2010-07-06T15:11:00.008+08:00

I hate afternoon naps. What was actually intended to be a 1 hour nap became a 2 hour slumber. SO little rest time and yet some sub-conscious part of my brain couldn't rest as well. It just had to make me dream. The thing I hate about this is that I always have good dreams, only thing that it's not the reality. When you start to realise, the same sinking feeling sets in. Hallejujah. Fuck it. Stupid fucking dreams. I wonder, how does the human brain work?

Plus I wasted an extra hour of my day. Wasted gym and studying time. I want to scream, or beat someone or something up. Lifting weights doesn't cut it. You can't scream in the gym for fuck's sake. I am going insane. Too much cooped up emotions. Crying, grieving and emo-ing doesn't help, it serves only as a band-aid. It is a slow process. It teaches you how to numb the pain, slowly but surely. However I don't have that luxury of time. Exams are looming just around the corner, a very daunting thought indeed.

As I was walking home from school today, the weather cheered me up cause it brought me back to the past. It was really bright and sunny; some would call it scorching hot, but I really prefer a cheerier notion. I remembered in Malaysia when I was just in kindergarten, my nanny would bring me out for long walks to the town during weathers like this. Really lived the kampong life. We searched for different plants and animals. Saw a really big monitor lizard's nest once. Everything was so simple. What it took to make my day was just 1 simple stick of low-class ice-cream or a bottle of ice cold soft drink after the long walks. Fried chicken drumsticks could do wonders too. Sigh, and to think we couldn't wait to grow up and take on more roles and responsibilities. Alas, it's an inevitable fact of life and we can't look at it from one point of view. Just my 2 cents worth on life considering the situation I am in now.

**EDIT**

I am going to bring that someone special to the long walks and I'm going to tell her everything I've ever felt while I walked along those roads so many years ago. I want to pour every ounce of my feelings into that person and make her understand everything about me. In turn, I'd want her to show me everything about her past and emotions, so that I understand everything about her as well. Such a romantic thought, but I really don't know when I'll be ready to love like that. I am optimistic though. Doesn't hurt to keep your spirits up eh?

To love is to hurt as well.

2010-07-06T00:01:00.001+08:00

I miss your stupidly cute face and non-stop ramblings ♥

-231007

2010-07-05T18:38:00.002+08:00

This never-ending sense of dread, anxiety and occasionally, fleeting happiness is all too familiar. I thought I'd never have to go through this again, yet here I am. Haha life is indeed unpredictable. Really brings me back.

I no longer know what to trust nor believe. Everything seems so complicated. I want to ignore everything. I guess I could actually try drowning myself in things that have a fair degree of certainty involved, such as studies for starters.

Maybe it's time I changed, again. Time for a wake up call, Robin.

On a lighter note, I was feeling in a song writing mood today. Hehe sounds so cool eh. I came up with a tune, but no lyrics as of now. Trying to think of something. I don't know who I'll sing it to, yet. And today's study session was relatively better than other days in comparison, I think. Finally willed myself to work out again today as well after 2 days of rest. So all in all, a productive day spent I suppose.

Ok, time to go shower and dinner.

2010-07-04T21:59:00.003+08:00

There you go! My license that I worked so hard for. Fucking sweat like mad everytime I go for the parking lessons and the nail-biting atmosphere when I took the actual driving test. Not to mention the damn time wasted waiting for my turn. IT PAID OFF, YES!

But I'm quite sad though. I thought it would be at least EZ-Link card type of material, you know SOLID ONE? NOT FLIMSY. It is just a piece of laminated paper. And upon closer examination, the freaking photo is cut and pasted. Fuckkk, so low class. So much for showing it off. Next time when people ask me I'll just say I left it in Malaysia :D

Couldn't say today was a productive day as well. Much as I wanted it to be. Shall go workout tomorrow. Today tak ada mood. I feel myself getting weaker, and damn it. I just realised, there is like only 2++ more months to A Levels.

GOD HELP ME.

By the way, the lyrics below,? I can really really really relate to it. David Choi's songs are awesome. You guys should check him out. Like now.

2010-07-04T13:08:00.007+08:00

Feeling so damn tired nowadays. Sucks. Just woke up. I know that if you're here with me, you'd have just woken up too. And we'd be going downstairs to eat right now. Ok time to stop. No more dwelling in the past. So much easier said than done. Woo~

Anywayyy, I feel rather clear-minded, and the wave has finally stopped this morning. YES. I am rather glad we had the talk yesterday, albeit a rather agonizing and emotional one. But I'm glad I could sort my feelings out. Hope you did too. Now all the loose ends feel like they finally being dealt with.

Today feels like a freaking lazy day. The weather can kill, so comfortable. I need to study, but that seems to be the last thing on my mind right now. Great, just great.

And there's no school tomorrow. But it doesn't make much of a difference anyway. I still have 3 days of holidays because it's the exam period. Wasted. Going to update again later. Going for lunch now. Bai.

Im feeling kinda scared
Cuz Im falling in love with you
But you dont care
Cuz you dont know how I feel

I dont want to give my heart to someone new
Ive been there before and its my heart she tore in two

Can somebody please stop me,
From falling for this girl
I dont want to have to go through love again
Cuz it Always Hurts

Its hard to look away
When you say the things that you say
I try to be so cold
But you melt the chill away

I dont want to give my heart to you
cuz Im afraid of what will happen
and the things that youll do, oh

Can somebody please stop me,
From falling for this girl
I dont want to have to go through love again
Cuz it Always Hurts, always hurts
Can somebody please stop me,
From falling for this girl
I dont want to have to go through love again
Cuz it Always Hurts

Oh Im fighting so hard
To keep the feeling inside
But I dont think I can
I wanna hold your hand
This man is afraid of the outcome

Can somebody please stop me,
From falling for this girl
I dont want to have to go through love again
Cuz it Always Hurts, always hurts
Can somebody please stop me,
From falling for this girl
I dont want to have to go through love again
Cuz I always end up, always getting hurt

2010-07-03T16:16:00.003+08:00

Ok I am back from studying. I know that was fast. Couldn't lengthen my already short attention span. I saw this old couple holding hands while going to exercise (I assumed, because they were in the sports get-up) and they couldn't even walk properly annymore. So sweet. They must have spent a lifetime together and that simple gesture I saw was rather moving. How many of us can honestly achieve that? Not many, I suppose.

Feeling slightly confused, and stupid right now. Ahh this wave will pass. Like it always will.

2010-07-03T13:15:00.004+08:00

This blog has somehow become the escape for me and all my thoughts. Part of me wants to blog this out cause it's for you to see as well. I had a really weird dream yesterday. I dreamt that everything was fine suddenly. We were back to normal, only that we were happier, very much happier. I felt like this stupid great weight lifted not only off my chest, but seemed like my whole body as well. Felt so much lighter, the dream felt so real. YOU felt so real. Everything felt so real. I was so glad you came back. But alas, that was all it was, a dream. A stupid dream that isn't gonna come true. And I am quite done wishing for it.

The dream was good while it lasted. When I woke up, it felt fucked up again. That same suffocating feeling of emptiness. The same sense of familiarity was gone, like how I felt when I was thrown into a foreign place a long long time ago. Scared, lonely, helpless, sad.

I woke up thinking I'd see your face beside mine, like how it has always been. But in reality, there was nothing. Your presence was nothing but a mere fragment of my imagination. Somehow, I can't find myself to hate you anymore. I no longer have a reason to, since I was led into believing fabricated lies in the first place.

God, I feel much better after letting all of it out. Yesterday was great, today, not-so-great, but I guess that'll do. I am clear on my path now anyway, that's one big big consolation.

That aside, I can finally breathe better now. Going back to Msia later. And I missed my freaking PSC fair. Bloody hell. I thought it was from 9-5. Turns out it was 9-1. I woke up at 1. Screwed up, lady gave me the wrong info. No matter, it's just a fair. Gonna go downstairs to study right now. Where there're so much lesser distractions. MAYBE swimming might help. I don't know. Álright, I am gonna go shower and scoot. Bye.

2010-07-03T01:16:00.005+08:00

It would be easier for me to hate you I suppose. It would lessen the pain I suppose. What are you trying to prove, Theresa Ngiam Jia Hui? Why do you have to lie? This is life, this isn't some freaking soap opera/ drama. Does lying make you more, noble? Is lying to me going to make things better? Does lying to me, give me the closure I want? Yes I want closure, but I want to do it properly, not like this, not under circumstances that are based on lies. That wouldn't be called closure. This is called screwing around, not only with my life but yours as well. I really don't need this.

I made you hide your feelings, I had no idea. I thought we shared everything, because at least that's what I think. I am being proven wrong right now. I sincerely hope you find someone better that can cater to all your emotional needs better than I can.

Your perception is so screwed, I don't even know where to start. But I am done trying to argue and putting sense into your head. Because you are forever so stubborn. You always refuse to take other's views into consideration if you deem it as not in-line with your logic. If I haven't loved you so much, why would I bother depreciating myself to the point where my pride is thrown on the ground, and try to fight so hard to win you back despite all the piercing words? I am the bad guy.

I end up bastar-ing you as you put it. Right now, we can all see that you are the one bastard-ing me. Why did you have to go to such lengths to lie to me? Trying to make me give up? If so, there are so many other ways. So many other less complicated, less hurting, less emotionally piercing ways to do it.

I know that you know what I am going to do after seeing your post and explanations and what-not. Being the forever impulsive person that I am, I will always rush back to you and ask you why, why, why, why, do you have to do this. And I will feel like I have an obligation to meet. After which I would try to win you back, again. Then you would want to criticize me again and tell me that you're not ready and you don't want it. Which ultimately translate into lies. I know they're all lies, but still, it hurts all the same. Then the vicious cycle repeats.

But I have made up my mind. I have resolved to not go back to the past and I never will. So you can stop appearing offline, which I know you are. Which is pretty obvious by the way. I still can read you like a book. I know you are doing this because you know I would've read your post and want to do something. Well, good news, I won't even try. I will stop this stupid emotional thing called love and I will stop interfering in your life.

I don't hate you, alright maybe I do, after falling for your lies. But no matter how much I do, there will always be this part of me that can't. I do not know when you started lying, but when we met that day, I saw this look of contempt in your eyes that told me something snapped in you. I know better than to try and convince you, you stupidly stubborn girl. You can have things your way. However you like it.

Just do yourself and myself a big big favour. Stop resorting to fancy tricks and what-nots that will screw my life and in turn yours. You're giving yourself more troubles than you already have. And giving me more shite when I already am fretting over so many things.

Lastly, if you were really so bent on making me hate you, you wouldn't have talked about the lie. Part of you still doesn't want me to hate you because you still love me and you can't let go. You still do not know what you want up till this stage. This pathetic and fucked up stage. I tried my best to hold on and to push you into the right direction (the "right" direction remains debatable, but I think I have both our interests at heart), but you always end up screwing up that chance for me, and yourself. So although I don't want to say this, but I really still don't know what you want and I am through with it. I am not going to find out anymore. Because I can literally predict every word you would say if I tried. It has always been like this. Never will change until you and I let go.

Best of luck to you and do take care. I still care, but I won't express it to you directly because you'd just ignore me, as always.

Good night to everybody who is reading. This is my life, so many complications. Interesting eh? Want to swap places with me for a week? I'd be glad.

2010-07-02T22:36:00.002+08:00

AHA! Freaking missed drums today cause of the damn rain. Çouldn't get a cab as well. Sad. But still managed to meet Clair at Suntec. Had an awesome time. Was laughing our asses off. Indulged in cheap thrills.

Dinnner-ed at Bakerzin. You guys gotta try the Pork Belly Rice man. It's freaking awesome, not to mention the Baked Bratwurst as well. Salivating at the thought of it. Had yoghurt after that, ordered Medium because I was too used to ordering it. Forgot that small was enough. BUT I can finish it by myself nonetheless. More portion for me anyway. HEHE. Anyway, thanks Bang, you're the best.

Going out now to don't know where yet with Jasen, bringing durriiiiiaaaaaans along. Durians are good for the soul. Freeeeaaaaking nais.

Come to think of it, Fridays aren't so bad after all :]

2010-07-01T22:30:00.003+08:00

FUCKING SLUT I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY AND UPSET. OK NO MORE CONSIDERING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS AND WHAT NOT. I HAVE BEEN DOING THAT FOR SO FUCKING LONG AND AS FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS JUST A GAME TO YOU? LIKE WHAT, MESSING UP OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS IS A HOBBY HUH? AND YOU ACTUALLY TELL ME WHY PEOPLE TEND TO DISLIKE YOU. NOW, THE PERSON WHO USED TO LOVE YOU, SADLY IS GONNA FUCKING HATE YOU. A AND B COMES INTO THE EQUATION. HOHO WHAT IS THIS? A GAME SHOW? AND SINCE WHEN IS THERE ANOTHER FUCKING PARTY. "NOT FINDING ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP SO SOON" HAH AS IF. WHAT THE FUCK. YOU FOUND ANOTHER GUY TO CHOOSE FROM. AND THE OTHER PARTY IS OBVIOUSLY ME RIGHT. WTF. MESSING WITH MY LIFE. WHAT ARE YOU NOW, SOME FUCKING TWO TIMING SLUT?

I KNOW I AM IN NO POSITION TO SAY ALL THESE SHITE. BUT 2 AND A HALF YEARS OF RELATIONSHIP, GONE IN A BLINK OF AN EYE. JUST LIKE THAT. 2 WEEKS = ALL IT TAKES TO FALL IN "LOVE" WITH ANOTHER. HOW NICE. CAN YOU TEACH ME HOW? AFTER ALL THE FUCKING SO CALLED MEMORIES AND I LOVE YOUS? HAH. FUCK YOU.

ONE WORD SERIOUSLY. SLUT. MORE WORDS. SLUT FUCK. FUCKING BITCH. AND DESPITE HOW I STAYED ANGRY AT YOU, I ALWAYS GET OVER IT THE NEXT MORNING. NOW HOWEVER, ITS A FUCKING DIFFERENT STORY. I KNOW I CAN CHOOSE NOT TO GO TO YOUR BLOG, AND SEE WHAT IS IN IT, AND WHAT YOUR LOVE LIFE ENTAILS RIGHT NOW, BUT HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE. A BLOG IS PUT UP IN PLAIN SIGHT FOR ALL TO SEE, HOW NOT TO GO?

I feel so fucking cheated. As Desmond aptly puts it, "Binch, you wasted 2 years of your life on her, forget it." To be more exact its around 2 and a half years. YES I FEEL LIKE I FUCKING WASTED MY LIFE ON YOU.

JUST TELL ME WHO THE FUCKING GUY IS AND I WILL BE OUT OF YOUR HAIR. I NEED CLOSURE. IF YOU JUST TELL ME, OK I AM WITH WHOEVER THAT FUCKER'S NAME IS. THEN OK FUCKED UP AS IT IS, I GET CLOSURE. AND OK DONE. MOVE ON. BEST PART, YOU PLAY YOUR FAVOURITE GAME, THE IGNORING GAME! WOOHOOO!

GOD I WISH I COULD JUST FORGET EVERYTHING. NOTHING IS WORTH REMEMBERING. NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL. FUCK IT.

And very nice move of removing that post. What, trying to defend what's left of your pride now? Bravo.

2010-07-01T18:44:00.005+08:00

Hi I just went to the gym and initially I thought it was a bad idea. Too lazy and tired, what's new right? After all, these past couple of weeks have been a heck of a ride. BUT NO MATTER. As you people like to put it, things happen for a reason right?

And guess what? Just as my drive to study was diminishing.. My home tutor sms-ed me today and passed me something. I actually got nominated to go to the fuckinggggg PUBLIC SERVICE SCHOLARSHIPS & CAREERS FAIR WOOO! Honestly I dont know what it is but it sounds fucking prestigious right. Tell me about it, I feel smarter already. HAHAHA! Ok ok do not get distracted. This is like freaking motivation.

DEFINE MOTIVATION: MOTIVATION IS THE DESIRE TO SEE A JOB DONE QUICKLY AND WELL IN THE CONTEXT OF A BUSINESS.

Wah nerd max. Me likey. And I met two dudes at the gym. Seemed like pretty nice guys. Exchanged tips and chatted. I actually forgot how small my social circle has shrunk after getting into a relationship. Time to get my MOJO back. And my goodness, I saw PERFECTION playing tennis today. Yes that shall be the ideal nickname; PERFECTION.

And wow, I finally had an epiphany. I am actually feeling HAPPY NOW. WOOOHOOOO!

2010-06-30T21:32:00.003+08:00

Is love only good for while it lasts? What is it exactly? Can it be forgotten and chucked aside so easily once it has outlived it's purpose? What purpose does it serve in the first place? Can love for another really be found so easily, right after ending a relationsip?

If that is love, love isn't exactly worth dying for.
If that is love, I don't want to believe in love ever again.

2010-06-30T17:08:00.004+08:00

I just went to Mac's with Bei Jing to study. Ate some "White" Carrot Cake at the market. Tasted like stingray! HAHAH And it only costs 2 dollars. I think it's cause of the sambal. Freaking shiok. God, I think it's my lucky day, to be able to eat stingray for only 2 bucks.

And guess what we saw this huge guy. Get this, he ate an upsized DOUBLE MCSPICY MEAL, after which he ordered another either MCWINGS or 6-PIECE NUGGETS MEAL. Around 30 minutes later, he ordered another ICE-CREAM CONE. And he is still in secondary school. God bless his soul.

Let's wipe the slate clean. Memories are nothing but exaggerated fantasies. There're some truths to them, but most of the time it gets twisted. Expressions get amplified, simple matters seem wholly blown out of proportion, trivial matters seem like matters that deserved the attention worthy of national security issues.

Hope my dad remembers to bring out my license later. I CAN SHOW IT OFF!

2010-06-29T22:58:00.006+08:00

I suddenly have this itching urge to cyber pen down my thoughts.

As I think about where I am right now, as I take a good look at myself, I tell myself that maybe I'm here, maybe I'm behaving like this, maybe I'm feeling like this is because I want to. I cannot forgive myself for things that I had done and things that I had not done for you. I can't pretend that I'm happy, for I'm not. I wish forgiving myself was easier. My capacity to forgive others far exceeds it to forgive myself.

True, there're so many other things in life to live for. However, it seems that these 2 fleeting years, close to 3 maybe, seemed like a lifetime. I've learnt how to live by loving you. For that, I'm both grateful and crestfallen.

Call me an idiot, but all I think of are the good times. The bad times seem so trivial and insignificant in comparison. Sometimes, even the bad times seem so memorable because they served to strengthen this bond we have or rather had. This time though, maybe it's like irrepairable.

And since I've promised you, the one that you want me to keep so badly, I will stand by it.

Why. I never used to feel like this. I wish I could be oblivious. Ignorance is bliss.

P.S. I have a sinking feeling that I'll lie on the bed for hours without being able to sleep again.

2010-06-29T22:27:00.003+08:00

Cannot study for nuts. Fuck fuck fuck. How? I'm lazy to go SMU tomorrow also. Sian max. I wish I could find something or someone that can make me feel motivated again. I think I'll go and watch Naruto then decide what to do next. Nerd right, I know.

2010-06-29T16:20:00.004+08:00

I feel much better now. Friends are wonderful things. Going to the condo's gymnasium now. I know my where my life's going right now. Slow and steady.

One word keeps revolving in my mind: Slut. Maybe too strong a word, but I don't care. There's nothing to make me care for any longer anyway. Everyone's entitled to one bloody outburst right? Don't take it to heart. I'm just being the impulsive person that I am.

Sorry I just had to let it out. If not the word "Peace" will forever elude me.

2010-06-29T11:03:00.005+08:00

Ok I just woke up, I feel fucked up above all else. I layed in bed for hours. I only fell asleep when the first train service commenced, which was at like 5.30. I could hear the train. Why am I even doing this? I wouldn't have cared if it was the past.

Maybe it's time I gotten a life. A REAL life. The life that I gave up so a couple of years ago. For someone whom I thought was special.

I feel like a dick. Pathetic one at that. Come on, someone slap me. Slap some sense into me. Come on, anyone.

Going for my econs exam soon. Wish me luck. Life sucks.

2010-06-28T21:58:00.003+08:00

Ahh just had dinner with Jasen. Not exactly savoury but it'll suffice. Had first paper today! Shit man I really don't know how I'll fare. Damn it. And luckily tomorrow's paper starts at 1 pm as well. That means more studying time :D

Ok I shall be going out soon to study at Mac's. I can't study at home for nuts. Don't know why. Something prevents me from doing it. I sense bad Feng Shui. Ok bye peeps, hope it doesn't rain cause I'll be cycling there. I feel like a banglah and china man.

2010-06-26T15:15:00.004+08:00

I think that one of the things that constitutes to this thing called "Love" is giving unconditionally. When one stops giving unconditionally, the person stops loving.

I'm just saying. There's a limit to how much one can give anyway.

When I said nothing, it actually meant everything to me.

Okay Í'm going back to Msia now. SeeeEEEeeeeEEEEeee you peeps.

2010-06-25T22:14:00.006+08:00

I feel like running away to a place where it is always sunny and bright yet cooling all day long. Not forgetting the flower fields. I want to stay in a cottage by the river and a magnificent view of the mountains that can be seen from the front yard. You know something in between like the Swiss Alps in the summer and those pictures in the story books. Now that's what you call a dream house. I know I sound gay.

I felt like running away earlier on. So much. What I did was a mistake. I did it in hope of you realising how much you mean to me, how much I want you back. Each word that came out from your mouth was as piercing. It didn't help me brace for the next impact as you said it again and again. I sincerely hope you don't find a guy that will do this to you in the future. Really. Cause it sucks. Like FUCK.

I'm done trying to depreciate myself and admitting my faults. It's time I got back my self-worth and start afresh. It's about time anyway.

The thing that has to be done right now suddenly seems so clear like a blue sky on a sunny morning. You made me this way. You refused to give me that trust. I bet you have no inkling of how it feels like because I'd never do this to you. Maybe now I can. I can go further. And I just might. You're not worth my time. It's not worth spilling my guts over this. If you say I ama liar, I say you're a better liar than I am. You lie to me, your friends, and most importantly yourself.

I sound evil.

I'm going to bathe and go out now. Fuck this thing. Nothing ever good ever comes out of these relationsips.

2010-06-24T23:48:00.005+08:00

Har har I feel like slapping myself so badly sometimes. Am I just too obstinate or just plain stupid? I must stop harboring happy thoughts pertaining to that certain matter.

S-T-O-P.

My god, this vicious cycle knows no end. I feel so battered, like hardcore. I don't know why but something always triggers me to take the initiative. Why. KENAPA SIH? I think it's the inability to let go of the memories. I wish I could store it somewhere far away at some dormant part of the brain so that I won't constantly get painful reminders of the past.

I have to tell myself it's different now. Everything's that I've ever known of has changed. It's no longer the same story. No longer the same characters. The director had been diagnosed with dementia and has decided to change the storyline in a sick, twisted kind of way. The facts are staring me right in my face and I refuse to accept it.

And besides, I really wish I could concentrate on my studies. Fuck this, my livelihood is gonna be ruined and I'm gonna end up selling noodles by the roadside in Malaysia!

Ok I have to play my cards right. I had a talk with Wanling Ma and I discovered one trait. I am very impulsive.. Like hot-blooded you know. I've to sit back and make full use of my analytical mind to assess the situation, just like old times. No more diving into the battlefield and dying unecessarily. Fight or flight.

Everyone, meet, Robin "Cool" Tai.

2010-06-24T13:35:00.005+08:00

I just went for my driving test can guess what? I passed :D

I was feeling really happy and thrilled. But somehow now I feel like shit. I finally have the license but the special someone that I've always wanted to share my success with is gone. I hate these waves. I hate how I am still so in love. I hate the way love messes someone up. I hate this.

I really think that I'm not going for another relationship. Anytime soon. Or even in the near future. I feel so cheated. It's like finally giving a lollipop to a small kid for rewarding him for something he's done well in. As he is halfway through eating and immensely enjoying it, someone suddenly snatches it away and tells him, what he did wasn't enough. That's how I feel right now.

2010-06-23T12:12:00.003+08:00

Ahhh freaking tired. Couldnt drag myself out of bed again to go gym. Snoozed for more than an hour. Passed so fast damn it. Going in Malaysia today with Gabe for my driving practical tomorrow. License to drive, here I comeeee! Finally. Decided to let him crash at my place since he wanted to go Msia. Convenient timing anyway. Gonna bring him around the small town to makan.

I'm really gonna sit down and pack everything away when I'm finally ready. Which I hope is real soon.

Out with the old, in with the new.